Meet Marilyn and Henry
Marilyn showed up on HELD’s doorstep full of tears and reservation. She found herself wholly unsatisfied with her current relationships. She felt taken advantage by her mother, who was constantly abandoning her, resentful towards her partner for not participating equally in their life or relationship, and angry towards her friends who never seemed to have time to support her despite the fact that she worked hard to show up for them. Marilyn was tired of being stuck in the same old relational patterns where she felt used up and ignored. She knew that she needed to prioritize herself differently to feel better but she didn’t know how. This is her journey through the first half of HELD.
In the first week, she learned about her disorganized attachment style. She knew that she had a lot of anxious tendencies but had no idea that the whiplash and cofusion she often felt in relationships was actually a lack of contact with herself. She could finally acknowledge some of the pain she experienced as a child as a validation of herself, not a betrayal of her family. She knew she had more work to do to access safety within herself.
In the second week of HELD, Marilyn discovered how her disorganized attachment caused her to dissociate from her body. The boundary violations and trauma she experienced as a kid, created a dynamic with her body where she distanced herself from her inner sensory experience. She realized she was walking through the world disconnected from herself and others and therefore, able to fawn and people please without regard for her own limits. She learned a practice where she could initiate contact with herself and re-ground into the present moment. She spent the week practicing and teaching her friends and partner her new technique.
During week three, Marilyn found herself enraged. “Why am i doing all this work on myself while everyone else gets to just go about their lives and change NOTHING” She exclaimed in frustration during group. She learned during week three that there was an angry little girl inside of her who saw how unequal things were in her relationship with her parents. When she tapped into her adult self, she could see how this little girl deserved better and how this dynamic was playing out in other parts of her life. She began to take some responsibility for what she allowed and how she abandoned herself in service of maintaining connections and avoiding disappointments from people in her life. She had a tearful conversation with her little girl inside. It ended with
“we deserve better and I am going to make sure that happens”
Halfway through HELD, Marilyn was feeling better. She had begun to see her limites and think about honoring them in different ways. She watched the free bonus enneagram course and learned that she is an enneagram 2. “There are other people who experience life like this?!?!?” she thought to herself. She could see the patterns that made up her enneagram type as parts to be cared for and tended to. She posted in the online group, “what does your enneagram work look like? How are you all doing sitting with the recognition of your patterns?” and the other participants chimed in and created a way to hold each other accountable.
*** Meet Henry
Henry has been working on creating better boundaries so he can have healthier relationships. He has always felt taken advantage of in his relationships and doesn’t feel like he can ever fully be himself without potentially being rejected. He wants to feel freer in his relationships and more confident in general.
Henry learns the steps of repair, including the why behind it. He has been conflict avoidant because he thought conflict meant that there was something wrong in his relationship, but he realizes now that healthy conflict and good repair is actually indicative of the authenticity of a relationship. He also feels more confident in the language he can bring into moments of repair.
Henry experiences a lot of discomfort with the topic of boundaries because he understands that his self-worth has been tied up in how available he is to other people. A part of him thought for a long time that if he didn’t give everything he had to everyone all the time, he wouldn’t be loved. In learning about boundaries, he recognizes that there is so much more to him that what he can give to others, and that HE gets to decide what he wants to share and what he doesn’t. It’s not selfish to keep some energy for himself. He also learns that boundaries are actually kind, and that people feel safer around him when he sets boundaries in relationships. He discovers exactly what it means to set a boundary and uses the group as a safe space to practice and process what this will look like for him.
Henry learns that he was parentified from a young age and there were high expectations from him for as long as he can remember. Because of this, he has learned how to suppress his own needs and prioritize the needs of others in service of staying in relationship with them. When he practices reparenting himself, he can see that there was validation and support that would have been helpful and freeing for him to hear, so he begins to give that to himself on daily basis. He pictures his younger self and speaks to him kindly and lovingly. He practices building emotional safety into his days so his younger self can feel seen and cared for. He embodies his adult energy and reminds his younger parts that he is more resourced now than ever, and that they can count on him to take care of him.
In the final group, Henry is able to reflect on the importance of having community. Healing work is not meant to be done alone. He realizes that his process has been so much more supported since he has been in HELD and he has made more progress than he did when he was reading books and scrolling self-help social media accounts. He has concrete tools that he can apply right now to his relationships and feels confident moving forward with his new skills. During the future visioning exercise, he sees himself happy in partnership and surrounded by the community he has intentionally created for himself. The other members of HELD reflect back to him how wonderful he is and celebrate his progress.