Correcting what cannot be fixed

I am 4.

I have gotten my mothers red lipstick all over my white dress up bridal gown. She will know that my friend and I have gotten into her stuff. I watch her purple car drive into the driveway. I feel terrified. I have made a mistake and I know it. I prepare for her rage. I prepare to watch my father pretend that he doesn't notice. I prepare. 

I am 9.

I got sent to the principal’s office because I wore sunglasses in class just like baby spice’s sunglasses. I told my teacher that they were part of my outfit. I would not acquiesce to her authority in front of the class. I am at another new school and I have no friends. I play by myself at recess. I want the other kids to like me so badly. My dad asks me what's wrong but I dont tell him. I don't want to bother him with my problems. I'm silent. 

I am 12.

A boy is paying attention to me. It feels good to be noticed. I get caught at his house before cheerleading practice. My mother calls me a slut. I cry alone in the closet. I am scared. But I am used to being scared and alone. I numb out the best I can. I leave myself. 

Holes in our hearts. 

That’s what these moments leave. Holes that burn into us when we experience these feelings even in adulthood. When I feel scared, I am back in the attic waiting for my mothers car. When I feel small, I am playing alone on the playground. When I want to leave, I remember the words spoken over my undeveloped character. 

The parent child dynamic is one that wields the most one directional power out of any other relationship. Even children who have no memory of their parents, are influenced by their lack of presence their whole lives.

 “Why didn't they want me” they may ask themselves.

 This question may lead them to make choices from a foundation of being unwanted instead of a foundation of being worthy. Even children that may have experiences where they just felt unwanted or inconvenient may carry these wounds. 

Here’s an example:

Sally says to Bill (her husband): Hey Bill, would you mind to pick up your candy wrappers? 

Bill hears: Your stuff is everywhere and I can't stand it. You take up too much space. Stop getting in my way. 

Sally did not say this. She didn't even say anything close to that. But Bill is hearing her words through the lens of his childhood wounding. Where he indirectly received the message that his existence was a burden and that he needed to take up as little space as possible. That everything he liked that was different from his mother was a threat to her self esteem, so he hid himself and his things away as to not threaten her and stay connected. 

Our wounds don’t disappear because we ignore them or pretend they don't exist. Darkness grows in darkness. There are little versions of me that still feel scared, alone, and ashamed. 

They are not my fault. But they are my responsibility. 

I owe it to my partner, my child, and my clients to provide correction to these wounded parts. I care about what people are really saying to me. I want to hear them from the place of love and connection, not threat and hypervigilance. 

We cannot fix these wounds, but we can offer them corrective experiences. Places where we show up for them differently than other adults show up for them. 

I am 31.

I leave family vacation early. I promise my little version that we will never stay in a place where we are unsafe again. 

I am 36.

I get on a horse for the first time in years. My little girl who always wanted to ride horses is giddy with excitement. I tell her she deserves this and so much more. 

I am 37.

I snuggle my daughter after she has thrown a big tantrum because I won't let her draw on the furniture. I know that my grandmother's buffet table might have permanent marks. I don't care. My daughter needs to know that she is safe to make mistakes and that I will deliver my boundaries to her with love when possible.

The little girl inside of me watches in awe. Something shifts.

This is exactly the work and the experiences provided in the upcoming workshop. Here are the details: 

Basic structure

• Introductions, agreements, intentions

• social atoms- childhood and present (telling our stories and connecting)

• Sculpting the family of origin 

• Toy experiential and events from childhood that need correction

• Family work and dialoging

• Processing, closing, feedback 

Other details:

$300-500 sliding scale with a $50 non refundable deposit 

March 26-April 30 

Wednesday Evenings 6:00-7:30

We have a couple spots open still! I would love to have you or anyone you know join us! I’m here if you have questions.

The apology you’ll never get

The thing I hear most often from folks I work with that are dealing with estrangement and reparenting themselves is that they just want an apology. And while I believe them, I also know that a simple “I am sorry” is not going to fix the years of whatever flavor of abuse or neglect they have endured. 

“I am sorry” won’t replace the childhood moments of yearning for a hug, a touch, or a lingering glance of curiosity. When folks are saying they want an apology, what they really mean is that they want some acknowledgment of their experience. They want to know that the other party knows that what they did had an impact that they **usually** didn’t intend. 

For parents of estranged children, it may be easier to stay in the “i have no idea why my kid won’t talk to me” space than to engage the possibility that they may have caused harm. It is my belief that most parents have no intention of harming their kids. Most parents really love their kids and deep down want the best for them.

However, sometimes even when we are “doing our best” we can still cause harm. This is often a big sticking point in the apology game. 

I am 19 years old. It’s thanksgiving day. 

I was speeding on the highway. I was going 86 in a 65 (oops.) and I got pulled over. I got a ticket. I was feeling rejected by my family and jealous of my friends that had more loving turkeys to be surrounded by. I was in my story about having no one. And I was crying and driving poorly. I was doing my genuine best. 

When the cop pulled me over, he said, “you could have easily killed someone going that speed”. My 19 year old brain immediately went back into my victim story about how I was having a bad day, it was thanksgiving and couldn't he just give me a break. I felt I deserved a break.

Afterall, I was doing my best. 

What if I had killed someone that day? What if that cop hadn’t pulled me over and given me my first ticket? I would be living with a mistake I made, harm that I caused all while doing my best. Because sometimes, even though we are doing our best, we still cause harm. 

I believe your parents probably did their best with the resources they had. And I know they still caused harm. And you deserve acknowledgement of that pain. You deserve changed behavior. You deserve their self reflections. You are worth working for. You are worth uncomfortable feelings and conversations. You are owed the truth. 

Sometimes my best isn’t good enough. And sometimes other peoples’ best is just not good enough. So, you may never get the apology you’re looking for from your parents. And that may never stop hurting. 

But you can decide to do your own work around becoming the kind of nurturing presence to yourself that can move on without that apology. You get to decide what’s enough for you in relationships. You never HAVE to be in relationship with someone who is currently treating you poorly or who has treated you poorly in the past. 

For all my fellow abuse and neglect survivors, 

I see you. I am so sorry for what you endured. I believe you. You deserve better. You’re in charge now. I am walking with you. 

If you’re ready to do more of this reparenting work, I would be so honored to walk alongside you in that process. I am running an in person 6 week repair-enting group March 26-April 30, 2025. There is a $50 non refundable deposit and the rest is sliding scale. I will be releasing more details to committed participants and my email list soon. Feel free to reach out with questions.

On Estrangement

“I miss you and I am here when you’re ready to work on this” 

Is all I can say in the rare texts I am sending these days. Sometimes our love is not enough. Sometimes our folks that we care about just choose to sit elsewhere. Sometimes they make it our fault that they are making that choice. Sometimes they need stories that make us the villain so that they can keep making the same choices. 

I am in my villain era in many of my relationships right now. I am experiencing long term estrangement for the first time. And it feels like sitting on a cold bench all alone with nothing but the layers you chose before you knew how cold it was outside. 

Maybe if I am kind enough. Maybe if I am smart enough. Maybe if I am more direct. Maybe if I am more clear. Maybe if I play their game and act how they want me to. All sentiments I have run over and over in my mind. 

But we keep getting hurt. We keep telling them we are hurt. And we keep getting hurt. 

We may start to ask ourselves, “what is wrong with me?” 

On childhood wounding: 

A critical parent’s voice, becomes a shaming and jugemental inner critic to the child that endures it. When a parent abuses or neglects a child, the child doesn’t hate the parent, they hate themselves. This is an adaptive coping skill that helps the child survive the dynamics of their family of origin. If the child is blaming themselves, they get to feel a sense of control and live with the idea that their parents are good.

Parents and caregivers serve as a microcosm for the world to the child. Therefore, if my parents are good, the world is safe.

If I am bad, I have some control over that. If it’s me that’s bad, I can find a way to be good. 

This turns into an adult that is forever pleasing. This adult may hide parts of themselves, experiences they have had, interests they pursue, plans and goals they have for themselves,  that their parents (and therefore the world) would find displeasing in some wayl. This creates adults that find themselves in codependent or abusive relationships trying to correct the blueprint that was handed to them. 

What happens when the people pleasing child becomes the resentful adult? What happens when this adult wakes up to the ways in which others have hurt them? What happens when this adult begins to set boundaries in the hopes that their parent or former caregiver will try to love them in a better way? Only to have the parent choose to continue the abuse/negelct that was perpetuated in childhood? 

What choice does this person have? 

“In a 2023 study of parent and adult child estrangement published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, researchers looked at a nationally representative sample of parents, which included 8,495 mothers and 8,119 fathers, to determine estrangement rates according to gender, race, and sexuality. The study found that 6% of respondents reported an estrangement from their mother, while 26% reported an estrangement from their father.”

Source: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2024/04/healing-pain-estrangement

When I speak to clients and people in my personal life about estrangement, there are several things I hear over and over: 

• I have tried everything I know to do 

• I sent letters, text messages, emails, trying to explain what I needed 

• There has been a complete denial of my experience 

• They think and have expressed to me that I am crazy and that what I experienced did not happen to me 

• There is no accountability OR 

• There is apology but no changed behavior 

• I used to think my childhood wasn’t that bad compared to others, but I keep finding myself in the same situations

• It’s not about the past, its about how they treat me now

This is not an exhaustive list but it does include a lot of the themes of my work with folks on dealing with their family of origin trauma. Estrangement is not the easy solution to these issues. In fact, most adults that are estranged from a family member feel tremendous pain in the separation. 

Grieving someone who is still alive is no easy task. Saying no to any potential support or benefit of the relationship in service of self love is very very difficult. Sitting alone on the bench is uncomfortable, cold, lonely, and dark at times. 

There is no way to take away the pain that an adult child feels at the loss of a parental relationship, but there is a way to integrate that reality. During times of no contact, it is important to work on healing the wounds that were created in childhood and perpetuated in adulthood. This can shift how we see ourselves, our experiences and our current relationships. 

Walking with you. I believe in us. 

For more info on my REPAIR-enting group, Click here. 

2025 in one word

I sat on this one for a long time. I mulled it over in my head a lot. I thought about it in the shower, on the plane, in my bed at 4am, in the playpen with my sick baby. I thought and thought and thought and then i decided to ask myself, 

‘What would you tell a client to do?’ a question that often helps me get unstuck. 

‘I would tell them to TRY IT ON’ 

If you’re carrying a sweater around and you’re not sure if you’re going to buy it. Where do you go? The dressing room of course. 

So, I tried it on. FREEDOM. How does it feel? What’s it like if that’s the word that informs how I am living my life? What I am paying attention to. Who I am giving energy to. What I find appealing. What I am eating. What I am listening to in the car. 

FREEDOM. 

Felt like cashmere. So, it’s my word of the year. I don’t do resolutions. I’m a manifesting-generator (human design, check it out) which means that I actually do better when I have the flexibility to follow my desire. Which is why I am writing right now instead of updating my practice paper work (oops). 

I always kind of thought there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t settle into a routine and stay there. That I can’t just have one job. That I can’t just go somewhere, make the money I need to, and come home and be happy with that. Turns out I am not built that way. 

In fact, this is one of my greatest lessons of 2024. My word for the year of 24 was RHYTHM. But what I really meant by that was routine. I was going to try and force myself into a box that would be what other people’s boxes look like. I was going to buckle down and do the same thing every day. I was going to beat the drum the same way and that would create the sense of safety I have been longing for my whole life. 

Haha. 

What I learned about rhythm (besides how to spell it) was that it actually works best if it changes. If it’s flexible. If it adapts to the current circumstance and works towards stabilization but being open to changes along the way. Afterall, the greatest pieces of music have equal parts harmony and disharmony in their rhythm. Just ask Flea. 

I have my own rhythm and that’s ok. I work best in the morning so I wake up and start working at 6am most days. It’s ok that that doesn't match other peoples rhythm. I need a certain environment to get in flow and that’s ok. I accept that my days have a certain amount of chaos. The chaos is what gives me the key ingredient that allows me to be creative and to do the work.

WHICH IS FREEDOM. 

Freedom isn't just about doing whatever I want. It’s about creating the building blocks to be able to do whatever I want. It’s about choices and consequences. It's about being more of who I am. Telling the truth about my experience. Walking away when that isn’t honored. 

My favorite relationship quote is and always has been, 

“The mark of a good relationship is not ‘do you feel loved’ but ‘do you feel FREE?”- Danielle Laporte

I need to be free to be who I am. To have my own quirky rhythms. I need to be free to experience the consequences of taking up that space. Free to learn from my own mistakes. Free to say what I need to say. Free to walk away from things and relationships that don't let me be myself. 

Freedom is also an inside job. I want to break free from patterns of being that are holding me back. A big one for me is my relationship with money. So, I'm doing a spending freeze for at least the month of january. I am scared and I haven't been perfect so far (on Jan. 5th!) but I am making a commitment to love my younger parts better than they were loved. 

To make them safe so they can be free. 

What’s your word of the year?

A potluck of Humanity

I hate the parking at this place.

For reference, I am a bit of a clutzy parker. Like, I am actually surprised that I havent gotten more passive aggressive notes in parking lots about my lousy parking skills. Something about my lack of spatial awareness, being 4’11” and struggling to see over the steering wheel, and driving a big vehicle always (I’m a jeep girl) makes it so that parking does not become me. 

This added to already being late because I forgot my shoe, lost my phone, and spilled coffee on myself and had to change shirts because you can see my nipples, means that I am 30 minutes late to meet one of my nearest and dearests for a catch up. I berate myself the whole way, thinking

“why cant i get it together?”

mixed in with “its probably just mom brain”

and trying to remember who i was before I had a kid. 

I approach the coffee shop. And she is there. She smiles, embraces me, and I blurt out

“i am so sorry! I am so late”

She looks at me with warmth and says “babe, its really ok” 

We sit, we start to catch up and I mention to her how hard it is for me to be on time these days. Followed immediately with “its probably just a mom thing”. She giggles a little bit.

“Oh hunni. You have always been like this. Whenever I meet with you, i bring a book because I know you will be at least 20-30 minutes late.” 

I. am. Mortified. 

WHAT? I reply. IS THAT TRUE? BUT LIKE, ONLY SINCE I HAVE BEEN A MOM RIGHT. 

no  hunni. Always. 

Sometimes someone brings something to our attention that shifts how we see ourselves. This was one of those moments for me. 

In the midst of my feelings of shame, i offer profuse apologies, assure her that i value her time, and promise to address my issue as soon as possible. 

“Babe. its ok. I like it. I get some time to myself. You are lovely” she says. 

Never have I been offered feedback with such warmth and love and unconditional recognition. This is my humanity being seen. This is me unmasked and raw. I am actually kind of a mess. And instead of being frustrated with that fact about me, my dear friend, offers me compassion, love, and CELEBRATION? 

My humanity in all of its facets, even those that annoy other people, or would be considered not right, is worthy of celebration and recognition. And so is yours.

The wisdom of the caterpillar

Have you ever done that school project where you watch a caterpillar turn into a butterfly?

Do you know what the caterpillar does in the cocoon? It wiggles.

It works. It needs the sensory deprivation in order to concentrate and build its wings. Its the resistance in the wiggles that delicately weave the fibers of the wings of the caterpillar. The caterpillar is doing important work in its cocoon even though from the outside, it looks like its doing nothing. 

I am a recovering over-do-er. When I have free time on my calendar, I find myself rushing to fill it with meetings, connections, and events. It’s like I am triggered by the blank space of time so much so that I become overwhelmed and discombobulated and just start frantically filling in the blank spaces without intention. And then, when it comes time to show up to the things I have planned, I am resentful of my past self for not considering the spaciousness that I might need. 

In the past, sitting still has been borderline painful for me. This overscheduling part of me got a big check in 2020 when the pandemic and my autoimmune conditions forced me to experience life at a slower pace. I learned so much. I learned how much I benefit from saying “no”. I learned how much I grow when I give myself time to reflect. I learned how much a daily little cry-walk benefits my overall ability to be present with the parts of me that need attention. 

A year later, I was overscheduled and I practiced something new. I called it ‘cocooning’. I sent out a text to my friends and family. It said

“hi community. I am currently overwhelmed and overscheduled. I will be cocooning for a while. This means i will not be accepting any invitations for socializing unless it is a last minute decision in my best interest. I will be resting and being still. I love you all and i hope you understand”. 

It was so hard. There was backlash. It was like people did not understand that my social energy has limits. I lost some folks who said they needed more of me. And I came face to face with the fact that sometimes my best is not good enough. 

But recently, i told a friend i missed her and she said “i’m cocooning” and I immediately knew what she meant. She told me that she learned the art of cocooning from me and I felt my heart water rise to my face. 

Sometimes when we are not used to setting boundaries and honoring our limits, taking up space feels cruel and selfish. And sometimes years later, we learn that when we do it anyway, we give other people permission to do the same. So, if you need it, take the cocoon. 

Want to cocoon in a meaningful way? We have one built in for you! It’s the HELD retreat. 

Learn more HERE

The Magic of Play and Harry Potter

What were you like as a child? What kind of games did you play? What did you imagine when you were daydreaming? What roles did you take on? 

Did you play teacher, holding the attention of your stuffies? Were you the doctor, saving people from their boo-boos with Ninja Turtle band-aids? A warrior on their way to battle and avenge? Maybe you were an explorer with a magnifying glass, parsing each blade of grass looking for clues to a mystery. 

What if I told you that this time spent daydreaming, imagining, and innovating is actually useful to you in your adult life as well. Play is a sacred practice. It is something that we often fail to practice or prioritize as adults. Work, dishes, teeth brushing, all things we must do. All things that produce a result. Finger painting, playing dress up, laying in the grass on a blanket, all things that seemingly do not. 

One might argue that these activities aren’t “productive” and with so many things to do, why waste time?  These activities and many more that fall into the category of play are actually ways in which we allow our adult selves to spend time with younger versions of us. Younger versions or parts that desperately need the adults they didnt get. 

I hate Harry Potter. I came of age when the first book came out and I think I was the only kid in 6th grade that didn’t read it. Already disconnected from my peers at that age due to being at yet another new school, my disdain for wizards and hogwarts and my refusal to pick Hufflepuff or Gryffindor, made the chasm between me and the other kids even wider. 

And then, at 35, in therapy, my 12 year old part said loud and clear, “go get Harry Potter”. She had refused to talk to me otherwise. It was all I could access. Adult me had feelings about this request. My familiarity with the parts work process won out. I knew that if I trusted this 12 year old part to be the expert on her own experience, it would lead to build the trust with her that would give her what she needed to update and come into the current moment. The present where she could unburden and heal. Where she didnt have to be the adult. 

So, I found myself at the bookstore, buying my first ever Harry Potter. On a bench by the river, I delved into the wizarding world. 3 chapters in, my eyes full of tears, “I get it” I told her. Harry had the words that she didn’t have to express how she was feeling. Alone. Unwanted. Tucked away in a proverbial staircase. I could feel the part cry with me. And we began to heal. 

Our child selves hold wisdom that we can’t even imagine. They have unapologetic boundaries. They know the value of imagination. They lack inhibition to look silly or try something new. Play is practice. Play is language. Play is mastery. 

This summer, Elizabeth and I are committing to play. We need some time to create, to sink in, and to play in a way that restores us. On a summer afternoon, in the heart of Asheville, we are hosting a sweet little workshop. We’re gonna play. We’re gonna breath. We’re gonna day dream. We’re gonna connect with ourselves. We’d love it if you joined us. Workshop is June 28, 2024 from 12-2 in Montford. This is an in person event and its only $40. PLUS: a significant portion of the proceeds go to Operation Olive Branch to aid displaced families in Palestine. CEASEFIRE NOW.

More Info Here

Meet Marilyn and Henry

Marilyn showed up on HELD’s doorstep full of tears and reservation. She found herself wholly unsatisfied with her current relationships. She felt taken advantage by her mother, who was constantly abandoning her, resentful towards her partner for not participating equally in their life or relationship, and angry towards her friends who never seemed to have time to support her despite the fact that she worked hard to show up for them. Marilyn was tired of being stuck in the same old relational patterns where she felt used up and ignored. She knew that she needed to prioritize herself differently to feel better but she didn’t know how. This is her journey through the first half of HELD. 

In the first week, she learned about her disorganized attachment style. She knew that she had a lot of anxious tendencies but had no idea that the whiplash and cofusion she often felt in relationships was actually a lack of contact with herself. She could finally acknowledge some of the pain she experienced as a child as a validation of herself, not a betrayal of her family. She knew she had more work to do to access safety within herself. 

In the second week of HELD, Marilyn discovered how her disorganized attachment caused her to dissociate from her body. The boundary violations and trauma she experienced as a kid, created a dynamic with her body where she distanced herself from her inner sensory experience. She realized she was walking through the world disconnected from herself and others and therefore, able to fawn and people please without regard for her own limits. She learned a practice where she could initiate contact with herself and re-ground into the present moment. She spent the week practicing and teaching her friends and partner her new technique. 

During week three, Marilyn found herself enraged. “Why am i doing all this work on myself while everyone else gets to just go about their lives and change NOTHING” She exclaimed in frustration during group. She learned during week three that there was an angry little girl inside of her who saw how unequal things were in her relationship with her parents. When she tapped into her adult self, she could see how this little girl deserved better and how this dynamic was playing out in other parts of her life. She began to take some responsibility for what she allowed and how she abandoned herself in service of maintaining connections and avoiding disappointments from people in her life. She had a tearful conversation with her little girl inside. It ended with

“we deserve better and I am going to make sure that happens” 

Halfway through HELD, Marilyn was feeling better. She had begun to see her limites and think about honoring them in different ways. She watched the free bonus enneagram course and learned that she is an enneagram 2. “There are other people who experience life like this?!?!?” she thought to herself. She could see the patterns that made up her enneagram type as parts to be cared for and tended to. She posted in the online group, “what does your enneagram work look like? How are you all doing sitting with the recognition of your patterns?” and the other participants chimed in and created a way to hold each other accountable. 

*** Meet Henry

Henry has been working on creating better boundaries so he can have healthier relationships. He has always felt taken advantage of in his relationships and doesn’t feel like he can ever fully be himself without potentially being rejected. He wants to feel freer in his relationships and more confident in general.

Henry learns the steps of repair, including the why behind it. He has been conflict avoidant because he thought conflict meant that there was something wrong in his relationship, but he realizes now that healthy conflict and good repair is actually indicative of the authenticity of a relationship. He also feels more confident in the language he can bring into moments of repair.

Henry experiences a lot of discomfort with the topic of boundaries because he understands that his self-worth has been tied up in how available he is to other people. A part of him thought for a long time that if he didn’t give everything he had to everyone all the time, he wouldn’t be loved. In learning about boundaries, he recognizes that there is so much more to him that what he can give to others, and that HE gets to decide what he wants to share and what he doesn’t. It’s not selfish to keep some energy for himself. He also learns that boundaries are actually kind, and that people feel safer around him when he sets boundaries in relationships. He discovers exactly what it means to set a boundary and uses the group as a safe space to practice and process what this will look like for him.

Henry learns that he was parentified from a young age and there were high expectations from him for as long as he can remember. Because of this, he has learned how to suppress his own needs and prioritize the needs of others in service of staying in relationship with them. When he practices reparenting himself, he can see that there was validation and support that would have been helpful and freeing for him to hear, so he begins to give that to himself on daily basis. He pictures his younger self and speaks to him kindly and lovingly. He practices building emotional safety into his days so his younger self can feel seen and cared for. He embodies his adult energy and reminds his younger parts that he is more resourced now than ever, and that they can count on him to take care of him.

In the final group, Henry is able to reflect on the importance of having community. Healing work is not meant to be done alone. He realizes that his process has been so much more supported since he has been in HELD and he has made more progress than he did when he was reading books and scrolling self-help social media accounts. He has concrete tools that he can apply right now to his relationships and feels confident moving forward with his new skills. During the future visioning exercise, he sees himself happy in partnership and surrounded by the community he has intentionally created for himself. The other members of HELD reflect back to him how wonderful he is and celebrate his progress.

HELD still has spots open! We begin next week! More info here!

Clarity and your inner guidance

In 2020 I almost died in a river. I got caught in an eddy where the water swirls endlessly underneath a rock. I was wearing a lifejacket and I had to be pulled to safety. I was submerged for almost a whole minute. 

Even though this is not my only rendezvous with mortality, this one felt particularly scary. It was on the exact day that my grandmother had passed the year earlier and it felt like something divine happened in the river that day. The divine thing happened because I was lucky, not because I was smart. 

I was in a new kayak that I had never taken on the river before. I did zero research about the conditions of the river, the capabilities of the boat, or how to get out of a sticky situation if I found myself in one. I was not empowered or in control. 

I remember that day so clearly. It was gorgeous outside. One of those carolina blue sky days that feel fake because their beauty is so magnificent. I waited at the launch site while my husband shuttled our cars and at his behest, i put on my life jacket. I remember thinking to myself “the water looks brown, and I dont see other boaters on the river despite the gorgeous weather”. I did not listen to this thought. I put my positivity in full gear and forged ahead. 

When we don’t have all the information, we ignore our inner process, and we forge ahead against our better judgement, we put ourselves at great risk for harm. How many times have I done this in life, in relationships, with myself? 

Sometimes when we grow up in a chaotic household, we are taught how to ignore our own feelings. We get the message that our experience of things doesn’t matter so why say anything about it. This mechanism gets internalized until eventually, we don’t trust ourselves. 

So, how do we create more clarity for ourselves? How do we stay in contact with ourselves when our survival instincts have been to ignore those inner voices? 

Let’s talk about CLARITY. Clarity is inner alignment. It is listening to all the voices inside, giving them all validation and acting in our best interest despite the consequences. That day on the river, I did not listen to myself. I did not gather all the necessary information about the river and my boat. I did not look out for the well being of myself, my husband, or our gear. That neglect mechanism that I internalized kicked into full gear. 

Sometimes we avoid doing what we need to do to be clear because we don’t want to know the truth. We don’t want the hassle of having to listen to ourselves especially when the consequences of listening to our inner guidance means we have to blow up our life or hurt someone else. So we override our wise voices. Over and over again. 

And then we find ourselves in situation where much harm has been done. We have been out of alignment with ourselves. We have been ignoring signs, staying in denial, and clinging to narratives despite contrary evidence being presented to us. 

Clarity is one of the first steps to setting good boundaries. We have to know what we want in order to act on it. Clarity is one of the first steps to self trust. We have to know how to listen to our inner voices in order to develop good relationship with them. Clarity is the first step to moving forward in security. We have to listen to the voices inside cluing us into danger and chaos in order to lean into security. 

Each of the attachment styles has ways in which they are unclear with themselves and others.

• The anxious style tends to over inflate and manipulate in order to get their needs met, being unclear with themselves about the ways they participate in the dynamic they dont want.

• The avoidant style tends to dismiss their own needs and the needs of others, staying murky about how much space they take up.

• And the disorganized style is back and forth with so much push and pull that they struggle to stay in contact with themselves long enough to have any real idea of how they show up or what they need. 

The Power of Safety

What does it mean to feel safe? Is it just the absence of danger? Or is it a felt sense that is more than that? 

When we embody any insecure attachment style (anxious, avoidant, disorganized), our body and our nervous system is oriented away from safey. It is more oriented to threat. We may feel hypervigilant, not able to sit still, the hampster wheel in our head going all the time. Or we may experience the opposite, numbed out, disconnected, unable to identify what we feel or what we need. In the case of the disorganzied adaptation, we may find that we oscillate back and forth never really knowing where to land. 

Safety is none of these things. Safety is not hypervigilant or numbed out. Safety is knowing that if threat occurs, we can handle it and all will be well in the end. Safety is knowing that even when the relationship has rupture, things will shake out in the best interest of all involved. Safety is also not numbing out to reality. It is facing reality with courage and resilience, faith in self and faith in the world. It is believing that things tend to work out for the best and walking through the world holding that belief as central to every relationship. 

When we are oriented towards safety, love in infinite and always available to us. We notice all the things about the relationship that make us happy. We notice the ways in which we are loved even if they are different than the ways in which we might love. In safety, conflict is not something to be avoided. It is a vehicle through which we can learn to love one another better. We can stay in our emotionally mature selves while we express our needs and have plenty of space for the needs of another. When our nervous system experiences safety, it’s not always pleasant to hear hard feedback but its tolerable. We can be completely accepting of our entire humanity, even when we make mistakes. 

Most of us were not handed a secure attachment system. Many of us may not even be able to identify the felt sense of safety, It may be something we have to work towards. We were born into safety. It’s our nervous systems natural inclination. You can spend years in therapy working to build your nervous system’s ability to orient towards safety OR, you can do it in 8 weeks. 

 Safety, Clarity, and Connection are the themes for this round of HELD. Boundaries, repair, reparenting are just some of the topics for this round that address repatterning our attachment nervous system. 

Where do you feel safe? Who is with you when you feel safe? What does safety feel like in your body? 

If you have trouble answering these questions, you are not alone! Learn more about this next round of HELD here https://www.elizabethgillette.com/held

attachment- the basics

Our attachment nervous system forms in the womb. Connected to our mother, we begin the process of learning about connection and relationships. Is connection safe? Will our needs be met? Can we trust the world? These questions form and sometimes get answered before we even see the bright lights of our grand entrance into physical form.

If mom is stressed, preoccupied, full of rage, not eating, and depressed, there is no other time in our lives where that state of another person affects us so devastatingly. We feel what she feels. We eat what she eats. We know what she knows. 

Before age 3, our relationship map is charted. We know if we can trust, who or what will reliably show up for us and if our needs will generally be met. You may not have conscious memories of your life pre-age 3 but your body does and your current relationships with attachment figures mirror this knowledge. 

Lean in, pull back, freeze in silence, these are all ways our bodies remember our early lessons in relationship school. Our reactions to severed connections and sometimes abundant connections are remnants of how we were cared for in those early years before we could talk. 

A few attachment basics: 

1. We all have all four styles (secure, anxious, ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized) but the styles occur in different size chunks of a pie. For example, your pie may look 50% secure, 20% anxious ambivalent, 20% avoidant, 10% disorganized. 

2. We have different attachment styles depending on the relationship. The style we occupy in the relationship is often dependent upon whether the person is an affiliate figure or an attachment figure. In some relationships, you may feel and behave quite securely, and in others, erratically and insecurely. 

3. Your style is an adaptation you developed to help you survive your childhood. You needed it. It allowed you to remain connected to your family of origin at a time when you were 100% dependent. 

4. IT IS NOT FIXED. We can work to reorganize our attachment nervous system and earn more secure attachment. 

If you had the kind of experience where your caregivers could feed you when you were hungry, comfort you when you were sad, hold you close, and find you delightful, you may have walked away with a mostly secure attachment system. In adult life, this means that you feel ok being with or without others. You can enjoy your connections and be mostly connected to yourself. You don't struggle knowing what you need or want in relationships and you can take responsibility for your experiences. You know how to repair well and feel secure enough in yourself to admit when you have caused harm or rupture. 

If you had the kind of caregivers that were preoccupied, emotionally unpredictable, or inconsistent, you may have survived using the anxious ambivalent style. This is a style that means that you are consistently overly worried about the status of the relationship. When there is a rupture it consumes you. You long for connection and deepening of connection so much that you tend to not notice or discount connection when it's readily available to you. You ruminate on abandonment as a possibility of every disagreement. You need help knowing what you need or asking for it directly and will sometimes strategically give to others in order to ensure security in having your needs met later. 

If your caregivers were harsh or stoic and you were often occupied by screens or toys instead of interacting with other humans, you may have come away with an avoidant attachment style. You learned early on that connections would not be where you got your needs met. You then curl into yourself as the only person who can make things happen for you. You may find that you struggle to move towards a relationship, and that closeness feels overwhelming. It may be difficult to stay in moments where intimacy is high. You may energetically leave the connection by keeping other connections alive, fantasizing about other options, or finding small reasons to be critical of your current attachment figure. 

In disorganized attachment, your caregivers could be very loving but they were also scary or extremely neglectful. You may have been left unsupervised, given roles that were beyond your capacity, or experienced violence and boundary violations. This type of caregiver experience leaves you divorced from yourself. Dissociation is a common feature of the disorganized attachment system. If you identify with this style, you may struggle to identify true danger, find yourself in chaos, and even feel safe in abusive dynamics in the name of “protection”. 

With disorganized attachment, we see a cycle of numbing, spiraling in shame, and connecting through rage. This leaves people in a relationship with those who are occupying this style reporting fear and unpredictability. The disorganized system finds itself confused in competition between connection and survival. Imagine knowing you need air to breathe but also knowing that air could and has almost killed you in the past. Imagine knowing that you have a job but never knowing where to show up to. The location changes every day and you get in trouble if you don't guess it correctly. These are the experiences of disorganized attachment. 

If you want to learn more or practice corrective experiences, our next workshop is THIS FRIDAY! March 1st, 2024 from 2pm-330 pm EST. If you can’t make it live, don't worry! There will be a recording!

Check it out here.

Disorganized, What?

The frozen one. The chaotic one. The misunderstood one. And to some, the scary one. This is disorganized attachment. Founded in trauma where those that love us also scare us, disorganized attachment is the most misunderstood style. It’s the one that’s rarely claimed up front. It’s the one that’s hard to name and hard to see. It’s the one that’s rarely reflected in social media posts or books we may be reading. 

Also called the “fearful-avoidant” style, disorganized attachment is born from trauma. It comes in when contact with ourselves is not allowed or not useful for survival. Think of a bunny in a field when a potential predator comes up behind it. It hears the footsteps and it knows it must freeze immediately out of self protection. It doesn’t have time to remember the sweetness of the grass it was just chewing, it must go into a frozen self protected state to escape even the potential of a predator. 

Disorganized attachment is characterized by the freeze response. It is bracing for trouble. It is 

a scanning for threat. The place where love and fear meet. Some characteristics of the style are as follows but not limited to:

-oscillating between shame, rage, and numbness 

-disappearing from interactions without warning or seeming reason 

-feeling foggy around how to proceed relationally when things become stressful 

-losing contact with one’s boundaries and preferences in relationship 

-being anxious and avoidant simultaneously 

-pushing people away when they get too close 

-feeling intimacy as threat or potential control 

Freeze state puts us into a place of confusion where we lose contact with who we are and what we need. Folks who have a good chunk of the disorganized style may find themselves attracted to dangerous situations, settings, or people. If this was the style in which you grew up, your nervous system is likely set to hypervigilant settings. You may find that you feel best in chaos and try to keep the water you swim in as chaotic as possible. Even if you know it’s not what serves you. 

Take a deep breath. This, is. A lot. 

The good news is that the disorganized style, like the other styles is an adaptation. Something you used to survive. Something that helped you get through what you needed to and come out the other side. It is not your essential nature. 

If this is you, check out our next workshop where we go deep into this style, its origins, its mechanisms, and how to develop compassion for this adaptation. Check it out here.

The First One (Kinda)

11.28.2023

I took a sabbatical from Chopra. Empowered Enneagram has been gone without a trace for almost 2 years. I had a baby. I co-created HELD. So much has happened and I find myself in a new era of my identity. While I am in the midst of the liminal space, I find myself drawn to certain aspects of my work more than others. This is not the era to re-organize and create systems. This era is filled with chaos and discovery as the layers of who I was fall away and a true-er version emerges.

A couple of things that feel certain right now:

• I still love what I do. I am more in love than ever with my work. The clients I am working with are truly the most amazing humans I have ever had the pleasure of working with. Sometimes I cannot believe they chose me to be a witness to their extraordinary selves. I still love helping people be themselves. Find and create their own safety. Take up space.

• I miss writing. I’ve been on a long term hiatus from writing and it’s time for a renaissance. So, I’m back in a new way. And I hope you’ll join me

One thing I refuse to do is overpromise. So, I am going to aim for ONE post per month. Help hold me accountable.

Outback Steakhouse and Chaotic Family Dynamics

Have you ever noticed how an outback steakhouse runs? They are all essentially the same. Same menu, same jobs, same uniforms, same food with the same ingredients. However, the staff at each Outback Steakhouse varies. They are a reflection of the local demographic that occupies the area in which the Outback is placed. They all have different stories, different perspectives, and different backgrounds. 

There are indications that Outback Steakhouse is running well. The food comes out hot, the service is cheerful or at least respectful. Everything is prompt. In these Outbacks, it's safe to say that everything appears happy and well. However, that doesn't mean it is. 

Each family is an outback steakhouse. They are functioning at a baseline of operations to create steaks and sling fried onions. This baseline is called “homeostasis”. Sometimes this homeostasis is dependent upon creating an appearance of functionality instead of creating actual functionality. 

In a well-functioning system, members feel respected, cared for, and safe. They feel that a good percentage of their needs are being met. They feel free to own and express their feelings. They do not ask themselves “am I crazy?” “is my perspective wrong somehow?”

Many things contribute to a functioning system including but not limited to, structure, clearly defined and occupied roles, boundaries, honesty, and open and considerate communication. These things make your steak at Outback taste better and they make your family run well. They create an environment that centers love and respect instead of fear and power. 

So many of us grew up in environments where we may have found ourselves familiar with love but also experiencing fear regularly. We may have found that love and respect were present but inconsistent. We may have found ourselves molding our feelings to suit our survival. These experiences are what would indicate chaotic family dynamics. 

When chaos replaces respect and structure, we are controlled with fear tactics, shame, or projected blame. The people in charge are emotionally immature and unable to model good boundaries, respectful communication, and healthy individuation. We may have felt nervous, confused, alone, and sometimes afraid. 

When will they stop loving me? How can I ensure that I am liked, approved of, and safe? When will the bad mood take over? What’s the vibe in the living room today? All of these questions and more may be indicative of chaotic family dynamics. 

• These dynamics can occur for many reasons. Here is a non-exhaustive list of some of how chaotic dynamics may develop:
  sickness or medical trauma 

• -unresolved generational trauma 

• -emotional immaturity

• -substance use issues 

• -unsatisfactory marriage 

• -emotional enmeshment 

• -untreated mental health issues 

• many more
  

You may see your family in some or all of these. The lack of boundaries, role confusion, immature communication, and scarcity mindset around love can create chaotic dynamics that may result in a particular style of attachment that plays out under extreme stress and relational discord. This is a largely unconscious way of defending and protecting ourselves that we developed to survive our family systems. 

For more on the disorganized style, wait for part two! 

Please know that we can heal these patterns. Just because we have found ourselves in a chaotic family dynamic does not mean we are doomed to repeat the patterns we absorbed. If you’re reading this, there's a good chance you’re on your way to doing things differently. 

If you would like to engage more deeply with this work and unlearn these patterns to create more security in your relationship with yourself and others, check out our upcoming HELD offerings!

Reflections on 2023

Now that 2023 is coming to a close, I wanted to offer you all some of the ways I am looking back in the hopes that we can look back together.

Becoming a mom has been the identity shift I have been looking for, but not always in the easiest ways. Giving my life and time to this new being has brought me to my own edges in my relationship to myself and all the relationships in my life, including my work. My work has always felt purposeful and meaningful. Sabina’s entrance into the world has added new layers into the importance of doing this work, building this community, and facilitating spaces for others to do this work. 

I am really sinking into the idea that self care is community care. A bubble bath doesn’t mean anything if there’s a screaming baby in the background. Taking time for ourselves is sometimes easier said than done. I cannot believe how my community has stepped up to take care of our family this year. It has forced me to face my enneagram 2 instincts around receiving when you have nothing to give. Being in a season of receiving is more vulnerable, more tender. You have to face your wounds and fears around opening up to what others are offering. You have to admit you need the help, that you have limits, that you are not (in fact) superhuman. 

This year I have cancelled things. I have forgotten things. I have no showed. I have showed up fresh from a shower with my hair soaking wet. I have not been who I used to be. Learning to accept this version of me that I do not yet know fully is and will continue to impact the way I show up in community. 

One of the most beautiful things about 2023 was to witness how the people that I have worked with this year have blossomed into their Self energies. Things are happening for them that I have heard about for years. Watching dreams come true is a special privilege and I feel like this year I got to witness a lot of that. 

My word theme for 2023 was miracle and I believe that is exactly what I got. A lot of miracles. We got into a head on collision and we all 3 came out healthy and with a new car. We had a traumatic birth and we came out with our beautiful Sabina. We hit our capacity and our community surrounded us. Miracles. 

Some things I am considering for 2024 and maybe you would too: 

• What has worked well this year and how can I integrate that into my life next year? 

• What is one thing I hope happens next year? 

• What do I want to feel in 2024? 

• What loose ends do I want to tie up, let go of, get right with before the end of 2023?