Correcting what cannot be fixed
I am 4.
I have gotten my mothers red lipstick all over my white dress up bridal gown. She will know that my friend and I have gotten into her stuff. I watch her purple car drive into the driveway. I feel terrified. I have made a mistake and I know it. I prepare for her rage. I prepare to watch my father pretend that he doesn't notice. I prepare.
I am 9.
I got sent to the principal’s office because I wore sunglasses in class just like baby spice’s sunglasses. I told my teacher that they were part of my outfit. I would not acquiesce to her authority in front of the class. I am at another new school and I have no friends. I play by myself at recess. I want the other kids to like me so badly. My dad asks me what's wrong but I dont tell him. I don't want to bother him with my problems. I'm silent.
I am 12.
A boy is paying attention to me. It feels good to be noticed. I get caught at his house before cheerleading practice. My mother calls me a slut. I cry alone in the closet. I am scared. But I am used to being scared and alone. I numb out the best I can. I leave myself.
Holes in our hearts.
That’s what these moments leave. Holes that burn into us when we experience these feelings even in adulthood. When I feel scared, I am back in the attic waiting for my mothers car. When I feel small, I am playing alone on the playground. When I want to leave, I remember the words spoken over my undeveloped character.
The parent child dynamic is one that wields the most one directional power out of any other relationship. Even children who have no memory of their parents, are influenced by their lack of presence their whole lives.
“Why didn't they want me” they may ask themselves.
This question may lead them to make choices from a foundation of being unwanted instead of a foundation of being worthy. Even children that may have experiences where they just felt unwanted or inconvenient may carry these wounds.
Here’s an example:
Sally says to Bill (her husband): Hey Bill, would you mind to pick up your candy wrappers?
Bill hears: Your stuff is everywhere and I can't stand it. You take up too much space. Stop getting in my way.
Sally did not say this. She didn't even say anything close to that. But Bill is hearing her words through the lens of his childhood wounding. Where he indirectly received the message that his existence was a burden and that he needed to take up as little space as possible. That everything he liked that was different from his mother was a threat to her self esteem, so he hid himself and his things away as to not threaten her and stay connected.
Our wounds don’t disappear because we ignore them or pretend they don't exist. Darkness grows in darkness. There are little versions of me that still feel scared, alone, and ashamed.
They are not my fault. But they are my responsibility.
I owe it to my partner, my child, and my clients to provide correction to these wounded parts. I care about what people are really saying to me. I want to hear them from the place of love and connection, not threat and hypervigilance.
We cannot fix these wounds, but we can offer them corrective experiences. Places where we show up for them differently than other adults show up for them.
I am 31.
I leave family vacation early. I promise my little version that we will never stay in a place where we are unsafe again.
I am 36.
I get on a horse for the first time in years. My little girl who always wanted to ride horses is giddy with excitement. I tell her she deserves this and so much more.
I am 37.
I snuggle my daughter after she has thrown a big tantrum because I won't let her draw on the furniture. I know that my grandmother's buffet table might have permanent marks. I don't care. My daughter needs to know that she is safe to make mistakes and that I will deliver my boundaries to her with love when possible.
The little girl inside of me watches in awe. Something shifts.
This is exactly the work and the experiences provided in the upcoming workshop. Here are the details:
Basic structure
Introductions, agreements, intentions
social atoms- childhood and present (telling our stories and connecting)
Sculpting the family of origin
Toy experiential and events from childhood that need correction
Family work and dialoging
Processing, closing, feedback
Other details:
$300-500 sliding scale with a $50 non refundable deposit
March 26-April 30
Wednesday Evenings 6:00-7:30
We have a couple spots open still! I would love to have you or anyone you know join us! I’m here if you have questions.