The apology you’ll never get
The thing I hear most often from folks I work with that are dealing with estrangement and reparenting themselves is that they just want an apology. And while I believe them, I also know that a simple “I am sorry” is not going to fix the years of whatever flavor of abuse or neglect they have endured.
“I am sorry” won’t replace the childhood moments of yearning for a hug, a touch, or a lingering glance of curiosity. When folks are saying they want an apology, what they really mean is that they want some acknowledgment of their experience. They want to know that the other party knows that what they did had an impact that they **usually** didn’t intend.
For parents of estranged children, it may be easier to stay in the “i have no idea why my kid won’t talk to me” space than to engage the possibility that they may have caused harm. It is my belief that most parents have no intention of harming their kids. Most parents really love their kids and deep down want the best for them.
However, sometimes even when we are “doing our best” we can still cause harm. This is often a big sticking point in the apology game.
I am 19 years old. It’s thanksgiving day.
I was speeding on the highway. I was going 86 in a 65 (oops.) and I got pulled over. I got a ticket. I was feeling rejected by my family and jealous of my friends that had more loving turkeys to be surrounded by. I was in my story about having no one. And I was crying and driving poorly. I was doing my genuine best.
When the cop pulled me over, he said, “you could have easily killed someone going that speed”. My 19 year old brain immediately went back into my victim story about how I was having a bad day, it was thanksgiving and couldn't he just give me a break. I felt I deserved a break.
Afterall, I was doing my best.
What if I had killed someone that day? What if that cop hadn’t pulled me over and given me my first ticket? I would be living with a mistake I made, harm that I caused all while doing my best. Because sometimes, even though we are doing our best, we still cause harm.
I believe your parents probably did their best with the resources they had. And I know they still caused harm. And you deserve acknowledgement of that pain. You deserve changed behavior. You deserve their self reflections. You are worth working for. You are worth uncomfortable feelings and conversations. You are owed the truth.
Sometimes my best isn’t good enough. And sometimes other peoples’ best is just not good enough. So, you may never get the apology you’re looking for from your parents. And that may never stop hurting.
But you can decide to do your own work around becoming the kind of nurturing presence to yourself that can move on without that apology. You get to decide what’s enough for you in relationships. You never HAVE to be in relationship with someone who is currently treating you poorly or who has treated you poorly in the past.
For all my fellow abuse and neglect survivors,
I see you. I am so sorry for what you endured. I believe you. You deserve better. You’re in charge now. I am walking with you.
If you’re ready to do more of this reparenting work, I would be so honored to walk alongside you in that process. I am running an in person 6 week repair-enting group March 26-April 30, 2025. There is a $50 non refundable deposit and the rest is sliding scale. I will be releasing more details to committed participants and my email list soon. Feel free to reach out with questions.