Outback Steakhouse and Chaotic Family Dynamics
Have you ever noticed how an outback steakhouse runs? They are all essentially the same. Same menu, same jobs, same uniforms, same food with the same ingredients. However, the staff at each Outback Steakhouse varies. They are a reflection of the local demographic that occupies the area in which the Outback is placed. They all have different stories, different perspectives, and different backgrounds.
There are indications that Outback Steakhouse is running well. The food comes out hot, the service is cheerful or at least respectful. Everything is prompt. In these Outbacks, it's safe to say that everything appears happy and well. However, that doesn't mean it is.
Each family is an outback steakhouse. They are functioning at a baseline of operations to create steaks and sling fried onions. This baseline is called “homeostasis”. Sometimes this homeostasis is dependent upon creating an appearance of functionality instead of creating actual functionality.
In a well-functioning system, members feel respected, cared for, and safe. They feel that a good percentage of their needs are being met. They feel free to own and express their feelings. They do not ask themselves “am I crazy?” “is my perspective wrong somehow?”
Many things contribute to a functioning system including but not limited to, structure, clearly defined and occupied roles, boundaries, honesty, and open and considerate communication. These things make your steak at Outback taste better and they make your family run well. They create an environment that centers love and respect instead of fear and power.
So many of us grew up in environments where we may have found ourselves familiar with love but also experiencing fear regularly. We may have found that love and respect were present but inconsistent. We may have found ourselves molding our feelings to suit our survival. These experiences are what would indicate chaotic family dynamics.
When chaos replaces respect and structure, we are controlled with fear tactics, shame, or projected blame. The people in charge are emotionally immature and unable to model good boundaries, respectful communication, and healthy individuation. We may have felt nervous, confused, alone, and sometimes afraid.
When will they stop loving me? How can I ensure that I am liked, approved of, and safe? When will the bad mood take over? What’s the vibe in the living room today? All of these questions and more may be indicative of chaotic family dynamics.
These dynamics can occur for many reasons. Here is a non-exhaustive list of some of how chaotic dynamics may develop:
sickness or medical trauma
-unresolved generational trauma
-emotional immaturity
-substance use issues
-unsatisfactory marriage
-emotional enmeshment
-untreated mental health issues
many more
You may see your family in some or all of these. The lack of boundaries, role confusion, immature communication, and scarcity mindset around love can create chaotic dynamics that may result in a particular style of attachment that plays out under extreme stress and relational discord. This is a largely unconscious way of defending and protecting ourselves that we developed to survive our family systems.
For more on the disorganized style, wait for part two!
Please know that we can heal these patterns. Just because we have found ourselves in a chaotic family dynamic does not mean we are doomed to repeat the patterns we absorbed. If you’re reading this, there's a good chance you’re on your way to doing things differently.
If you would like to engage more deeply with this work and unlearn these patterns to create more security in your relationship with yourself and others, check out our upcoming HELD offerings!